This is the transcript of a conversation from 2014 between Patrick, Christine, and myself while at a Japanese restaurant. The topic was how to move to Spain as an American before devolving into silliness. (141007-203740-patrick-christine-asks-about-moving-to-spain.mp3)

CR: If someone …

PM: Wants to move to Spain

CR: Right.

PM: That’s the same question Jennifer asked me about six months ago.

CR: Maybe Jennifer and I could move there together!

PM: Okay. And you’ll have Eli too.

JP: Package deal.

PM: Two for the price of one.

CR: Eli is fine with me.

PM: He’s a little younger but you can put up with that.

CR: How old is Eli?

JP: 31.

PM: I think he’s more like 33, no?

JP: Maybe 33.

PM: I don’t know. Anyway, okay. First of all, Americans can come in for three months on a tourist visa. You can extend that usually for three months, so you get six months. In the meantime, while you’re there, well whoever it is is there, what you have to do is to find somebody who would like for you to work for them. And if you found somebody who wanted you, they could help you get a permit to help you stay and work. But sometimes you have to return to the old country that you came from and get a new visa with a work visa involved. There’s a whole page with what you have to do as an American who wants to move to Spain on the web.

JP: State department?

PM: You just go to Google and say “I want to go to Spain, how do I do it?” and boooiiinnng, there’s all kinds of pages.

CR: But would you, at this point, would you recommend, with the political climate… ?

PM: I did not recommend it to Gretchen, because 25% of the people [in Spain] are out of work.

CR: Oh, really.

PM: So I wouldn’t recommend it. If however you have an income…

CR: Or independently wealthy…

PM: Yeah, or independently well-enough off to live, and be careful where, because Mallorca is the most expensive part to live in, except maybe–what’s the name of it, where all the criminals end up with their mansions?

CR: I want to go there!

JP: Switzerland?

PM: No, no, south. Not Malagua.

JP: Port Bou?

PM: No, no. That’s on the border….

PM: In the south of Spain, where Isabelle Montoya lives. She’s going to jail. She’s 60 or 70 years old, and she’s been avoiding taxes all these years. She’s one of the most favorite singers of Spain, but she’s going to jail.

CR: For tax evasion?

PM: Yep. It’s happening to a lot of people. The mayor of Barcelona and he’s almost 90. But he got by with it for 30 years, and his son, and his wife.

CR: Oh, really?

[Taxes topic triggers side conversation between JP and CR about helping CR with IRS letter]

CR: The question is, why are you willing to do things for me?

JP: Because I care about you, and because I can.

CR: Because you can?

PM: Hold that, hold that, don’t move. I want this for my scrap book! Little scraps of life.

[conversation shifts to pictures and food]

PM: I’ll sell it to you!

JP: Put these over here? [appetizers] These are for all of us.

CR: Actually, I think this would have been perfect, just enough.

JP: Here’s some spicy edamame.

CR: Here, try some of these. Basically what you do is take those, and bite into … you don’t peel them, you just bite.

JP: I always just squirted them out and put ’em in my mouth.

CR: But you squirt them with your teeth.

PM: Wait a minute, what’s in it?

JP and CR: It’s a been.

PM: A bean? A human bean?

JP: Sub human!

PM: Lithium?

JP: Sub human.

PM: Sub human.

CR: Actually very good.

JP: Better stop this [recording] now!